(Please check Part 1 of this post: Understanding Courtship: What Should I Be Doing? – Part 1)

 

 

WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING?

Since I now understand what Courtship basically is and entails, then WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING? I have attempted to capture all that should be a priority in courtship in a list of 9 Ds:

 

1.  Detach

You must detach from any other form of a romantic relationship; factual or subtle. Don’t be leading any guy or lady on. Don’t give anyone pseudo-hope, and don’t hold anyone captive in any emotional prison. Become focused and single-eyed with this one that you are in as you build intentionally. There is no room for comparison with other people or with other relationships. This doesn’t mean you cannot take positive notes or cues from righteous people or relationships.

 

2.  Discuss

This is the process of information barter and sharing. Ask relevant, probing, and intelligent questions. Discuss the past, present and future; this is where and how you know and understand each other’s life goals and what you both want out of life. Don’t let anyone harass or bully you with “your questions are too much”. Both parties must be open, willing, and forthcoming with truthful and detailed answers. This is a life-defining and life-changing choice you are about to make, you can’t be skimming over the surface without any measurable depth.

Communicate in clear and simple terms; don’t use ambiguous words, don’t assume or presume that your partner should know or understand; explain and help them understand your moods, words, and thoughts. Don’t hide your struggles. Let your partner know the “deal breakers” in the relationship; let them know the line you don’t expect them to cross and the length you are unwilling to go. Don’t avoid arguments. If anything, this is one way to master the skill of handling conflicts and moving past them. Arguments may not be pleasant but they are necessary, as long as we don’t let them degenerate.

Apologize when you have to and mean it. You will be more respected for admitting your wrong and owning up to it, rather than manipulating, avoiding, or worse case bullying your way out of issues, employing cynicism and sarcasm in the face of a matter your partner considers serious.

 

3.  Discern

I define discernment as ‘the skill and intelligence to see and think through’. That is the ability to sort through a ton of information and reach specific, identifiable conclusions, as close to accuracy as possible. This happens as you master how to assay and appraise words, attitudes, and actions, which then allows you to make wise judgments and conclusions. This will require you to learn how to hear what was said and what was not said. Pay attention to the specific use of words, body language, moods, subtle nuances and sentiments that decide and colour certain choices they make, perspectives they embrace, and answers they give.

4.  Define

This means determining with precision, marking out distinctively, and ascertaining. What you discern from their actions and your discussions helps you to properly define who a person is and what their position on certain values really is. Nobody can truly hide their true personality for long; most times it is because we were never really paying attention to certain things or just chose (consciously or sub-consciously) to ignore them, either because we feel they are negligible or the notion that it can/will be corrected in marriage.

 

5.  Decide

Precision, clarity, and accuracy make it easier to intelligently arrive at the decision this is a relationship you want to see end up in marriage. Don’t be afraid to step back if and when you discern danger; don’t ramble on in false hope or blind love.

 

6.  Disciple

Suppose after those first five stages, you both decide this is a relationship you want to see through to marriage. In that case, you will need to consciously and carefully begin to disciple each other into a system of unified mind and values. To disciple is to train, educate, and teach. As much as you both will have to adjust and compromise positively on certain things and in varying aspects, the balance is that you should not also totally strip off or lose your uniqueness because of a man or a woman.

You both must find ways and means to fit your personality differences, perspectives, opinions, goals, etc into a unified concept and entity. Keep evolving and growing positively in all ramifications so that you don’t become boring and outdated. Don’t pretend, but be willing likewise to make adjustments.

7.  Delineate

To delineate means ‘to sketch out, draw or trace an outline, to depict or represent with pictures’. This is where your partner’s uniqueness that you have accepted, and the positive adjustments you both are making can be the pedestal for creating a mental archetype of what you are fashioning your marriage into. This is where you employ foresight, insight, and hindsight. You can paint a graphic of the potentials and the possibilities that will most likely be the consequence or outcomes of all the effort that you both are putting into this.

 

8.  Delegate

This means ‘to authorize, to assign, or commit a task to someone’. From the mental archetype you have created, begin to discuss and delegate responsibilities now. Simple stuff like who and how will laundry be done, who washes the dishes, who takes the kids to school (yes, I know you don’t have kids yet; delegate it nonetheless), who goes shopping, etc can soon become breaking news and issues if certain premise of conclusions are not reached beforehand.

Of course, modulations and adjustments can and will be made as you progress and eventually in marriage, but do not assume ‘he should know’ or ‘she should know’. How it is done in the family you grew up in may most likely not be how it is done in the other person’s family.

 

9.  Demonstrate

This is the place of proving your commitment and conviction. This is the platform of active and deliberate participation. We are not talking about having sex here or necessarily wearing matching outfits, or spending unreasonable sums of money on your partner. What we do mean is that each partner will have to pull their weight in the actualization of the collective dream or goal. Sacrifice, within righteous limits, for each other and never measure or compare sacrifices. Truth is nobody owes each other anything during courtship; but then, this is when to demonstrate genuine willingness, loyalty, and value for each other.

 

Conclusion

Celebrate each other and celebrate your wins together. You are a team, not a competitor. If the courtship will eventually lead to a progressive, peaceful, and successful marriage, then both parties must be committed to making the other person great. You both must have the commonwealth mindset. There are things you definitely will need to learn and take an interest in, even though they are not specifically and directly useful to you, but because of your potential spouse.

Employ and consistently speak the language of honour, value, victory, trust, truth, and conviction to each other and over each other.

 

Blessings.